Does love exist?

I am so confused. What is love? Is it delusional? Is it a rush of hormones? Is it real? What is it that keeps people together?

The Real Deal

The Real Deal

It seems as if I have been imagining things. Having fictional expectations. The reason why I could not stand not touching him was because without doing so, there would only be the suffocating silence and unsaid concerns hanging in the air. When I have him, something always feels off and I do everything to escape the sense of wrong. I try to justify the gut feeling I get when I am with him. I love him the most when he is not present. When I cannot have him, I always fictionalize and beautify the memories and images of us and everything else I do have seems boring and dull. So I always lose the real deal. Anything unreal and unattainable exhilarates me and takes me on a ride of infinite possibilities and wonders.c

One thing hit me. Hard. He never hurt me. I was mad at him, but I was never hurt by the things he said or did. I could hurt him because I did not love him. I cared for him, so seeing him in pain did upset me. But as time passed, I came to realize that I was not in love. I wanted him. I desired him. But I never loved him. To have him back in my life, I lied and told him I loved him. It felt wrong in every way. I never felt comfortable in telling him that I love him. It was part of the reason why I kept on wanting to get to know him and understand him: He felt so far away. I did not feel attached to him. I kept on trying to attach myself to him in any way, so that I would have a reason to stay.

That letter could be written because I was not with him. It was honest, but it was not true. Because it was not to him. It was to an imaginary being that I wanted to be with. Why can’t I love him when I am actually with him? I wanted to love him. I constantly tried. I wanted to feel love. I want to fall head over heels in love. Something that would make my heart pounce and make me feel alive. How would I be able to get rid of these expectations so that I could enjoy the real deal?