The Real
Deal
It seems as if I have been imagining things. Having fictional
expectations. The reason why I could not stand not touching him was because
without doing so, there would only be the suffocating silence and unsaid concerns
hanging in the air. When I have him, something always feels off and I do
everything to escape the sense of wrong. I try to justify the gut feeling I get
when I am with him. I love him the most
when he is not present. When I cannot have him, I always fictionalize and
beautify the memories and images of us and everything else I do have seems
boring and dull. So I always lose the real deal. Anything unreal and
unattainable exhilarates me and takes me on a ride of infinite possibilities
and wonders.c
One thing hit me. Hard. He never hurt me. I was mad at him,
but I was never hurt by the things he said or did. I could hurt him because I
did not love him. I cared for him, so seeing him in pain did upset me. But as
time passed, I came to realize that I was not in love. I wanted him. I desired
him. But I never loved him. To have him back in my life, I lied and told him I
loved him. It felt wrong in every way. I never felt comfortable in telling him
that I love him. It was part of the reason why I kept on wanting to get to know
him and understand him: He felt so far away. I did not feel attached to him. I
kept on trying to attach myself to him in any way, so that I would have a
reason to stay.
That letter could be written because I was not with him. It
was honest, but it was not true. Because it was not to him. It was to an
imaginary being that I wanted to be with. Why can’t I love him when I am
actually with him? I wanted to love him. I constantly tried. I wanted to feel
love. I want to fall head over heels in love. Something that would make my
heart pounce and make me feel alive. How would I be able to get rid of these
expectations so that I could enjoy the real deal?
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